Leaving on a jet plane...

Gabe's going back home tomorrow. My heart is broken. I don't know when I'm going to see him again. I pray I'll get to see him before we get married. How am I supposed to plan a wedding without him here. How are we supposed to take engagement pictures. I'm so frustrated and confused. Tomorrow is going to be a very very VERY emotional day. It came to fast. I feel like my time with him is up. I feel lost and sad and frustrated and o so very stressed with little support or direction. Lord help me.

I can't win.

I just can't seem to get ahead. I can't win. I'm just so confused with life. I hate how I feel. I hate trying to express feelings to people and it just backfires and turns into this huge fight. It's so freakin stupid and I HATE it. I'm so sick of it. I'm so tired of clique-ish family members. Families shouldn't be that way. I'm so sick of being compared to other people. Or feeling like I'm not as good as other people in my family. But maybe I'm the one with the issues? Maybe I'm the one who really needs therapy. It's probably my own fault that I don't have any friends. If you were to ask the cousin I'm arguing with right now, she'd definitely tell you it's my fault I don't have any friends since all I do is "give guilt trips." I just give up. I hate trying to please everyone. I just need to get away. I never had this problem in Indiana. I felt so accepted and loved. I was never compared to someone else or made to feel like crap. I never felt like I should be someone better. I was loved for who I am. On my side of the family, some people only talk to me to let me know I should try out for the Biggest Loser...thanks for letting me know you're thinking of me when you're watching obese people on national television. You'll never know how many nights I've cried over it. But o that's giving a guilt trip isn't it?? Guess I better just shut my mouth and keep pressin forward....

Wish I could swear like a sailor right now...

Wedding planning

Well the wedding planning is still pretty stressful. We decided our date is January 21, 2012. My colors are black, pearly white, baby blue, and damask. I know damask isn't a color but I want it to be everywhere with my colors so YEAH! It really feels like I'm not making any progress on anything. It sucks feeling that way. People tell me it's fine I have plenty of time but listen people...9 months goes by fast....and I'm NOT about to procrastinate to the last second. I can't do that to myself...But anyways. Can you believe it was a year ago this month I started getting ready to go to Indiana? I can't believe it's been a year. It's actually pretty sad to think about. I loved being there. Gabe and I both feel so homesick for it. I loved being around the family all the time. Being around the sweet little babies. I miss it a ton. I miss the beautiful green grass and trees. There was green everywhere. You were constantly surrounded. I need that. I need to see life everywhere. I need to breathe fresh clean farm air. I miss it so much it makes me want to cry thinking about it. The air never looked gray or polluted. I really want to live there but thinking about being so far from MY family makes me want to cry even more...It's probably going to be one of the hardest decisions of my life when Gabe and I get to that point in life. I kinda dread it. Especially since I've gotten so close with my dad lately. I don't know how well I'd be able to handle not seeing him for really long periods of time. I know there's the simple phone call but he's such a busy guy it's almost impossible for him to just sit down and have a casual conversation. O well. I can't dwell on it right now or else I'll just be depressed the rest of the day. Today is a beautiful day and I hope Gabe and I will get out and do something fun. Maybe we'll take Shelby out somewhere so she can run around and play. I don't know if anything is going to happen today though if I can't peel Gabe away from the guitar......I'm just grateful it's not the xbox this time!